MERRY CHRISTMAS...YEA

My sweet, real Christmas tree. 2009

Here it is December 11. I hate my life right now. I am sad. Very weepy. I know I have a lot I am thankful for. I am. But I just feel so alone. I love Colorado. I can't live back in IL where all my family is. It is just too fast paced for me. Here, it is slower and I feel people try to absorb the mountain beauty and love it. I for the most part love the Colorado weather. It is most of the time liveable. Lately it has been so cold. All I can think about it the gas bill for January. I have a job. I am so glad I have a job. I love my job. But life is just too hard sometimes. $$$ is evil. When Bob and I were married, it was all easier. He made good money at the Power Plants and he paid for us. It was nice. I paid for a things in our marriage but now, since the divorce, I have to pay for everything. Alimony pays for rent. But that will run out someday. Then what? I am not healthy enough to have two jobs. My stupid arthritis kills me. I am 52 now. More than half way to 100. Crap. I am so sad. I think of others who don't have a job, or who have bad health problems, or who have even less than me. I feel blessed. But I hate being alone. But I also like being alone. So what do I like? I miss hugs and emotional support, and kissing, and cuddling. I have guys I see once in a while, but they aren't 'there' for me. And 3 of them are married! Or far away. Stupid men.

Have I wasted my life? Have I done everything I wanted to do? NO. But lack of money makes lifeso rough. I wish I made a better living. I know Molly would say, "You get what you put into life." Yes that is right. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. Not a provider. I love working with kids. They are so funny. I love teaching them new things. To write their name, to count, to show them something new, how to hold scissors, how to know the alphabet. How the sounds, sound of different letters. It is a blast.

I don't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself. I am also starting the "change of life." Mother Nature YOU SUCK!!!!! My hormones are so jacked up. I cry, I smile, I weep, I laugh. AAAGGHHHHHH.

I love my Christmas tree. I love that Christmas means we celebrate the birth of our Jesus. But it is also, buy, buy, buy. Out-do your friends. Who gives the most or the best. Forget it. I hate Christmas. Buy all you can for your kids. WHY? I can't wait til January first. Ok, Before I blow up I am going to put on my pajamas, and climb into bed and watch TV, and listen to the furnance turn on and turn off, and turn on and turn off. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

I love my life, I hate my life. I miss my family, I wish I had money. I love my church, I love my friends. I miss my Brock. Waa Waa Waa. I better call the Wambulance. Peace.